January 27, 2009

This and That

It's been great to have my Dad here :o) The church seemed to be glad to see him, which was meaningful. Honestly speaking, it's always nice for me when my Dad is on the platform speaking. He's always been my pastor and I am partial to his teaching style. And he's my Dad, so...that helps me relate to him :o) It's very interesting: once my family moved, I became almost anonymous at church for the first time in my life. I'm not considered the pastor's daughter anymore, and for 6 months now I've kind of been on my own (with Kurt of course). The minute my dad was back in the building, it was like I was the pastor's daughter again, and everyone was asking me about the due date, how I'm feeling, telling me how I look, wanting to get all the updates, etc. I sound bitter, and that's not how I want it to come across. It's just very interesting how roles change, does that make sense?

This may seem random, but while I'm thinking about it: church dynamics are something you'll never see me write about. I've received many comments from people, both on the blog and in person, saying that I seem to be worried about what other people think of me, or that I'm afraid of being judged, I'm always giving disclaimers, or I have issues with being a pastor's daughter. And here's the deal: I do not have the freedom to write what I'm truly thinking a lot of the time. If it concerns the church, its people, or situations concerning those things, I won't/can't write about it.

I loved growing up in a pastor's family. I seriously have no issues because of this, and I'm blessed to be able to say that. I'm also not "afraid" of what people think of me or being judged per se, but I do keep in mind who my audience is. When I started a blog, it was mainly a way for me to document things that happen in my life, and for fun things like my likes/dislikes, etc. It was never meant to be a journal exposing my soul. I've always respected the position my father holds in the church, and its taught me to be accountable in my actions and behavior (a very valuable thing to learn).

There is so much that I could say about this topic, but I won't. My family doesn't have "celebrity" status in the church because we're a pastor's family (that's so stupid and so not us), but people feel a freedom to say things to us that other families don't deal with. I am fiercely defensive of my family, and while I'm one of the more outspoken people in my family, I never want to respond to people in a way that would be inappropriate. Loyalty is a big deal to me, both in church membership (staying committed to your church fellowship unless you have Biblical reason to leave) and to me personally (not talking about me or my family behind our backs and then acting another way to our faces). I don't know why I felt the need to express these thoughts, and it won't happen again, but sometimes I need to just put things out there. Tactfully, I hope :o) Please don't think that I'm being a "fake" person. I'm a very genuine person who is also passionate. I simply filter the way I blog so that no dishonor is done to my family or the Lord. Just clearing that up! :o)

I really didn't mean to go off about that--moving on! I'm still struggling with fatigue and being very physically uncomfortable. I sound like such a recluse, but it's very difficult and draining for me to get out and about at this point. I feel like an 85 year old! :o) I just need to pack the hospital bags and I think we'll be good to go. Keep the baby in your prayers..I just want her here safely!

By the way, I hope this post didn't sound bitter, mean, or harsh. I rarely do posts that are kind of exposed, and this was one of them. Thank you for understanding my heart and sometimes my need to just be honest about how I'm feeling at a particular time.

XOXO----

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3 comments:

Melody said...

Ashley,

I completely understand what you mean about the pastor's daughter thing as I went through the same thing when my dad left BBC to go to the Baptist Building. It is a very weird feeling and still kind of is today. I won't get into it...just wanted you to know someone out there understands. I will be praying for Evy and you in your coming delivery. It is hard not to be a recluse because it hurts your feet too bad to walk after about an hour at the most plus the horrible pressure that you are probably starting to feel from her head dropping! Wow...memories. Believe me...you will miss it...I said I never would but I really do! : )

Tiffany said...

I think that was very well said! I also came by to ask you if you have heard of the Morland Dynasty Books, by Cynthia Harrod-Eagles. There are 30 books so far, covering the history of England. I know how you love to really research something you like, and I know you have a love for London. I wasn't sure if that is just London or all of England. But, if you are looking for something to read...this sure should keep you busy for a while. Can't wait to see your Beautiful Faces tag...~Blessings!

Emily said...

Hey Ashley,
I randomly found your blog a couple of months ago. I completely understand what you are saying (my husband is an associate pastor at one of the methodist churches in the Brandon area)! Your husband may know my brother in law who is also a third year resident (except he is in pediatrics/internal medicine).
Enjoy the last few days of your pregnancy!

Emily Keeton

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