Swinging. Rocking.

I know I'm kind of posting a lot recently. I suppose it's my form of catharsis right now. It's what I'm doing as opposed to retreating and taking one long blogging hiatus. However, I normally don't blog this late at night. But I just had to. This is just what's on my mind.

The last couple of nights have been the hardest I've had in a long time, due to many different things. Among blog stuff, my house isn't as picked-up as I'd like, Evy is teething and is a bit out of sorts, and I'm just trying to get my thoughts organized. Just a lot of stuff.

Today I took Evy walking at the park. It was perfect weather. Perfect for being with her, and perfect for clearing my head. Kurt got off work early and met us there. As a family, we put Evy in the swing for the first time and just had the most wonderful, simple time together. No one can take that from me. The swinging motion while I was holding her was really soothing. The weather helped. But mostly, it was just holding her.

Tonight I was sitting in the living room, just thinking. I had Real Housewives on, but really I was just thinking. About the hobby of blogging, how bizarre it can sometimes be, how illuminating it can sometimes be, motherhood, marriage, my home, moving, missing my little house already, needing my parents. My mind was just full.

Then around midnight I heard Evy start to stir and fuss. I always know instantly if it's a "dream fuss" or if she really is awake and unsettled. I went in immediately because this time, I needed her. I just needed her. I picked her up, wrapped her in a blanket, put a paci in, grabbed Bun Bun, and just started rocking. Even in the dark, I could see her little eyes blinking for awhile. Then I could tell they were getting heavier, and then I felt her fall asleep again. It didn't take long. But I kept rocking, rocking, rocking. I started to feel like she was the one rocking me. And it felt wonderful. In my head, I talked to her about God, my choices as a mother, explaining to her how I was feeling, and told her that I am doing my absolute best, even though to some it's not good enough. While I was kissing her little head, I felt a peace that had to come from God. I told my friends this recently; but I really do believe that God has extra compassion on mothers and hears those late-night prayers with extra love. It sounds crazy, but even while she was sleeping, I felt like Evy was telling me she loved me, and the Lord was too.

I finally put her down (albeit reluctantly) because I figured she probably needed to spend some time sleeping horizontally. :) I went back to the living room and was looking at blogs on my phone when I came upon this post by MckMama. If you don't feel like reading it, it's about realizing that you're going to "Miss This" when your child(ren) are grown. I've said this before, but I've really tried to be in the moment as Evy's mother and I've enjoyed every stage. But this post just made me cry and cry. I looked around the room and suddenly I just wanted to hug all of her toys, and lie down on the floor and just bask in the clutter of her things. Even though I already felt this way, the "stuff" suddenly made me feel extra secure, loved, happy, and fulfilled.

Something happens to your soul when you become a mother. And something happens to your soul when your motives, choices, and views about your child are questioned. It's a good thing, because at least for me, it just pushes me closer to the Lord and makes my heart burst even more with love for my child and my husband.

Tonight, I was privileged to have my little girl rock me to peace.