I'm just going to dive right in and address the issue at hand. This is a long post, so you've been warned.
Our son was given a name by his birth mother on July 1, 2010 (when he was born). We have decided to give him a new name once he is adopted into our family.
While this sentence might seem simple, in some ways it's complex. It's simple because babies are named every day. Mothers name their children. It's complex because our son was born of one mother and will be raised by another.
I'm going to be very honest and forthcoming in this post. The adoption world is just one more arena where mothers criticize each other's parenting choices. It's no different than the parenting wars that go on in pregnancy land regarding breastfeeding vs. formula, cloth diapering vs. disposables, medicated childbirth vs. non-medicated. And ON AND ON AND ON.
However, you'll notice that in the above list of Mother Wars, I didn't list the issue of naming your baby. I've never seen a mother leave a comment on another mother's blog (or on a forum, or on facebook), and criticize the choice of baby name. It never happens. Even if you hate someone's choice of baby name, you'll either not say anything or come up with a neutral, kind statement, i.e. "How creative!"
In the adoption world, some of the other issues are taken away, but in typical fashion, mothers find NEW ways to cast judgment. Changing an adopted child's name can be the topic of much controversy, and Kurt and I are well aware of this.
When we decided to adopt, I saw people naming their adopted kids all sorts of names. Some kept the birth-given name, others gave completely Americanized names, and some made some sort of compromise between the two ends of the spectrum. I knew that when we received our child's referral, I would just know what to do about the name. And that's exactly what happened when we looked at our son's picture.
I had to mull over it for a day or so, and Kurt and I discussed several different options, but we never felt right about including his birth name. Here's why:
-Do we want our son to know and appreciate his heritage? Of course. Do we have to keep his birth name to do this? No. When you think of what our son's heritage in Korea really is, it's very emotionally turbulent. Yes, his birth mother loved him and gave him life (praise God!), and made the ultimate sacrifice of love when she placed him for adoption. However, feelings of abandonment could very well be in our son's heart when we talk about his beginnings. He could very well view his Korean heritage as a very sad thing initially (when he's old enough to really grasp his history). Naturally, we always speak lovingly and respectfully of his birth country and his birth mother! We will have very open and positive conversations about the beginning of his life. But keeping his birth name could potentially make him feel like he's constantly straddling two worlds.
-Spiritually, when we become members of God's family (accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior), we are adopted into God's family and given a new name in Christ. We are new creations in Him; completely new people (2 Corinthians 5:17). We decided to name our little boy William "Liam" Mark Lancaster, after many significant people in our family:
- William is after my great-grandfather (on my mom's side), my dad's father, and my brother. It's also after Kurt's grandfather (on his mother's side). All of these men are so incredibly special to us, and we love honoring them in this way.
- Mark is my father's name. I'm very close to my dad, and so is Kurt. This will be the first child to ever be named after him, and there's no more deserving a person. Aside from his integrity and character, he was preaching a sermon series on obedience called "YES" when we decided to adopt internationally. It was a very significant time for us and my dad's sermons through that time were instrumental in our adoption journey.
-Liam will have at least one sibling (Evy Kate) that does not have a Korean name and he will most likely have at least one more biological sibling that doesn't have a Korean name. We want to make Liam's presence in our family as seamless as possible in that there aren't unnecessary hurdles he has to jump emotionally.
Where am I going with all of this? Well first of all, I don't feel like I have to explain myself or justify our decision. However, I know that many people are curious about this element of adoption and how we came to this decision. That's why I'm sharing all of this, but at the root of this are some issues that I feel need to be addressed, and that's two tiny words: "For us."
I would say that most every parenting decision we all make can be boiled down to the phrase "This was best for us." It seems elementary, but for real, peeps. We really need to stop making blanket statements about parenting, whether it be about pregnancy or adoption. We're ALL guilty of saying, or at least thinking, that another mother is in the wrong at some point or another.
Here's what has really hit home for me recently. Even if you research until you're blue in the face and educate yourself until your eyes are blurry, you can't take away the context of your history, how you live, and how your experiences have been. You can't take away the human element that affects decision-making. I'm usually not PC in making statements like "You do what works for you," when it comes to faith-based discussions, moral discussions, etc. But parenting is the arena in which I think you really can (and SHOULD) say "You do what works for YOU." Because you know what? I don't know the personal elements that go into your decision-making, and you don't know mine. In light of what we've talked about in the paragraphs above, you don't know all of Liam's history. You don't know his birth situation and the circumstances surrounding his parentage. So if we feel like we need to change his name, we're going to. Period.
Disclaimers: If someone asks me RESPECTFULLY and without malice about a decision we've made, that's swell and I'll answer to that. But I have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to being attacked for my parenting decisions and being talked to in a condescending manner. I'm not allowing that on my blog, kids. Also, if you're an adoptive parent and you kept your child's birth name, this is NOT an attack against you! I've simply outlined our way of thinking about this based on our son's history and other elements that will be kept private. Your situation is unique to your family.
I promise I won't have any more long, rambling, hardcore posts--haha! I just really needed to put it out there that I'm sick of the battle zone. Apparently neither pregnancy or adoption is safe--ha! I really, really don't mind answering adoption questions---in fact, I LOVE it!---but people who are looking for a debate need to go elsewhere. I've been guilty of thinking/saying/typing things that could come across as arrogant or being critical of another mother, and all of this has really reminded me that as mothers, we're on the same team. We're just loving our kids passionately, and that is lived out in different ways.
At the end of the day, we're doing what works for us!
Please take a look at our adoption fundraiser shop! It's a great way to show your support for adoption and look cute while doing it!
