I really struggled this morning, though. Emotionally I was in a really bad place and I found myself acting so out of character, it almost scared me. I found myself praying over and over for the enemy to get out of my head, because that's what was happening, I promise you. I have been on guard about post adoption depression (like post partum depression), and while there have definitely been times that I've had some symptoms, it's nothing I would consider full-fledged or in need of medication (and I'm very frank and honest about recognizing the need for a diagnosis or medication). I definitely think that, like post partum depression, you can experience episodes or symptoms without it becoming crippling or dangerous.
Thankfully, last night I had planned with my mom for us to take the kids out to a restaurant for lunch. The Lord knew I would need this, and I'm glad I plowed ahead and got my makeup on, got us dressed, and proceeded with our plans. My dad ended up coming too, and we went to one of my favorite lunch places. Liam did great while eating out! Evy was her usual sweet self, and it was so, SO incredibly therapeutic to talk through my feelings with my parents. My dad does a lot of counseling, and he said to me, "Keep repeating to yourself what you know is true. You know it's going to get better, and you know that you have help. You know that God will equip you minute by minute. Just keep telling yourself what you know is true." That helped me so much. I described the days since we've been home as having a fog around them. Even when I've gone out (only two times) in my car, I have felt like there was a veil over everything. Honestly, I really feel like most of it is just fatigue. Once we get the sleep thing straightened out, I know we will ALL be in a much better place.
We finished a great lunch and then my dad had to get back to the office. My mom and I got in the car and I just didn't want to go home. I had been wanting to get Liam a haircut, and I decided that now was the time. I had planned to document the whole thing and get pictures, but then I just decided to quit being so OCD and just get the haircut - ha! We walked into Master Cuts in the mall and a sweet lady named Rose cut Liam's hair. He looks so cute now! I promise I'll grab a picture soon! He sat in my lap and I had to hold him down, but overall he did well. We stopped in Hallmark so Mom could get a couple of cards, and that was a whole new experience for Liam. He was like a kid in a candy store; wanting to touch everything!
I really am writing all of these things so I remember, but also with the goal of helping others. I just want yall to know my personal experience. I want to be careful how I say this, because each child and each situation is different, but in the adoption world, a TON of emphasis is placed on the adoption experts, what they say you should do, what happens if you don't do things a certain way with an adopted child, etc. There are a lot of recommendations about attachment and bonding issues, and I'm NOT saying those shouldn't be heeded. However, in my experience, I wouldn't be surviving right now without the help of family members. Also, a lot of people recommend staying really close to the house and not overwhelming an adopted child early. I'm usually a homebody (through and through) but I would be going out of my ever-loving mind right now if I hadn't gotten out of the house last night and today. I'm telling you that it's okay to go with your gut instinct and do what you know will make your mind more healthy. I knew in my gut that going out to eat with Liam, and doing simple things like taking him for a haircut would make him feel more like my son and not just like I'm babysitting. That might sound ridiculous, but how I feel right now is proof that I was right. When we got home, I felt lighter and I felt like I had done a few "Mom" things with both kids in tow. It made a huge difference in my mental state.
I feel like my posts lately are nothing by pyschological mumbo jumbo - haha! I really am doing well and so are Kurt, Evy and Liam. But these are the real feelings and issues that you deal with. When you've gone through a major upheaval or life change, sometimes really simple things make a world of difference. For me today, it was going to lunch and taking Liam for a haircut. :)
